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March 01 2015

I have been writing insanely long messages for some of my friends and I keep on ending up editing them to keep it short and then editing them again to fit in at least one or two sentences and then ending up deleting it all. 

I can see how they will open their messages from me and make that face people do when it's too long too read. I can hear a voice that says "I don't give a fuck." It's not my voice, it's nof anyone's I know, maybe it's the universe who's just so sick and tired of me.

But then again, who the fuck am I? Why the fuck would I think that the universe will stop for a second to see how I'm doing?

February 28 2015


I made a stupid mistake

of falling in love with my best friend...
nope, not really. Although I would rather fall in love than whatever I've done or am doing right now (aka I'd rather do someone if you know what I mean, ha!) I don't get how anyone would not want to fall in love, it is not cheesy, it is not slutty, it is not hopeless and sappy, it is not wrong. To be able to love is a gift and to be able to get love back is a bonus.

Some good old stupid love rant, good afternoon!

Comforting a friend is an art.

There's a lot of ways you can make your friends feel okay by telling them that "it's going to be okay" "this too shall pass" "I'm here for you" and lots of other hopeful and positive things that may or may not (but mostly is just) bullshit. 

And you know what, that rarely works nowadays, or is it just me? because personally, I've learned to just say thanks (which I do mean, I'm not an unappreciative bitch) and then I try to feel or at least look all better (which is hard, so don't be a sensitive prick if I'm not okay when you say it is). 

And so, in my observations, the best way to comfort a friend (or actually just about anyone in this matter) is to be the shittiest, lazy, unappealing, and good-for-nothing person that you can be (which in my case, I already am).

February 27,2015—I made the stupid mistake of telling a friend I was trying to comfort, that I was basically depressed and unable to do anything productive and contributing to society or even just for myself at the least.

She was hung up on the idea that she was not doing well on this task she was assigned to. She said she felt like everything she does are mistakes. I told her that at least she had room for mistakes, that at least she has the opportunity to experience—something to look back from and learn from those very mistakes.

She said she felt so left out, that maybe the people she was working with didn't like her as much as the others. Guess what, they still like you enough to get you to work with them. Just like what tito Fitzgerald says (although this might be taking it too far but), "there's all kinds of love in the world but never the same love twice." Aka, they might like someone 0.000364872642% more than they like you but the bottom line is they like you.

(side note: being known as a pessimistic gloomy person, looks like I get to say who's the unappreciative prick now? the grass is greener on the other side, bitches!)

And in addition to saying those things that they should have acknowledged in the first place, the easiest way to comfort a friend is to tell them to compare themselves to you (I mean me, because whoever actually bothered to read up to this part is a glorious beautiful and heart sparkles emoji worthy kind of person, wink wink).

I told her to look at herself and to look at me, compare me to her. I told her to appreciate how at least she's a part of something, and how I'm not. I told her about the struggle, that I don't sleep well at night because my body and mind doesn't want to but at the same time it does. And I told her how much that fucks me up, how unproductive and messed up I am. I told her how I've been crying in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day for the past three days, that I was literally crying and shedding tears. I didn't even have to tell her how that fucks me up too because that itself is fucked up (it's like hey wtf you're an almost 20 year old woman who's successfully still in school but also is successfully fucking up life, wow). I managed to tell her this so casually, I'm not sure if she thinks that I'm lying (unfortunately, I'm not), I'm not sure if she understands the gravity of what I was feeling and that it hurts me a little that she didn't really comfort me (note that I said a little because really, I'm used to it) but I should mention that we were smoking and she treats me for a smoke numerous times so it's a tie I guess. Haha

And also, the thing is, she didn't have anything to contest with that, she can't compete with how fucked up I am. She can't make me feel better by saying "it's going to be okay" "this too shall pass" "I'm here for you." And she can't do self-deprecating the way I do.

So there you go, I did it, I actually comforted my friend. This post is simply a good tip actually, not sure if y'all can do it the same way I do because you are all a bunch of cute pretty glittering unicorns I'm sure. 

Oh and if you do by any chance have to, leave out the part where you've been crying and have been all depressing because I fucking regret that part, too weird and too dark. Haha

February 12 2015

2641 82db 420
Reposted fromoopsiak oopsiak viahotnsabawlikemy hotnsabawlikemy

October 16 2013


"How lazy and stupid can I get?" I mean it as a joke not a challenge. I'm bad at challenges.

September 21 2013


I'm starting to have thoughts about you. They are good thoughts but I don't think I will like where this is heading.

September 07 2013

7036 72f5 420
Reposted fromnexxt nexxt

September 06 2013


When I say someone's cute, what I mean is... they're cute.

Let's not jump into so much conclusions all the fcking time, doesn't mean I like them, find them specially attractive, have a crush on them, or want to date them. 

For me, you're cute means you are cute. Nothing more, nothing less.

Most of the time.

Having crushes just to help us sleep

When people ask me if I have a crush and I tell them I don't have one, some assume I'm just denying it. Sometimes it bothers me when they put it that way, it's like you need someone just to be complete.

August 25 2013


"Good morning" I said, in hopes of turning things around for the rest of the day.


"Don't keep secrets from me okay"

I don't have big mommy issues or anything but to cut the long story short, me and my mom are really not close. 

Our relationship can come off as a bit passive but nonetheless, I love my mom. But please, "my mom's my best friend" is not something I'd say. It's way too late for that so let's not push it.

My mom doesn't know what I like, what I do,  and our views and principles really differ. 
She's my mom, I'm her daughter, old school way. 

August 19 2013


I just happened to pass by that post, days before my birthday! HAHA and these are my thoughts exactly
(seriously, been thinking that way since I was around 10 or at least 13 years old I think?) 

Add to that what I read before about birthdays being nothing but a reminder that your parents had sex 9 months prior.... meh
Reposted bygonzor919

August 13 2013


Dear professor-who-must-not-be-named

With all sincerity, I think you're a good teacher. I think that you're a very knowledgeable person (specifically in your field) and you're able to share that without coming off as a know-it-all or a show off, you're funny but restricted, challenging but reasonable. But for some f*cking reason, which I think is a trouble (sociologically pertained to as an individual issue unique to one) for me alone, is that I can't grasp whatever we're studying here. I can't find a loophole wherein I can magically find myself interested in this subject. I feel so uneasy before, during, and after the subject. It's like I'm flying solo in a spaceship, launched into space, bound nowhere. 

a) don't stop a fish if it wants to fly
b) don't judge a fish on its capability to fly
She had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, like when you’re swimming and you want to put your feet down on something solid, but the water’s deeper than you think and there’s nothing there.

Julia Gregson (via lacynical)

May 17 2013

Evil wizard baby  
Reposted fromVegelus Vegelus
My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself.
Reposted fromhyacinthine hyacinthine

There's a certain charm I feel I have

Just because I passed through an interview, knowing that I got in not solely because I passed through my test scores but because I probably said something in that interview that made them accept me. 

It's a nice little feeling.

(and you find out they just had so much free time so they decided to interview everyone and accept everyone either way)

February 14 2013


Theory of Signs

While trying to look for a new theory for our bloody thesis, I decided to watch a cinema one original film entitled 'UPCAT' (self-explanatory title, yup).

Ever since the release of acet results, I've trashed the whole idea of looking for signs. Because I swear, the day before the release of the results for acet, everything blue just started shining.

And I didn't pass the acet.

And so as not to further delay the even worse news, I didn't pass the upcat either.

That day, after trying to feel as numb as possible (though it wasn't as hard because my acet results already prepped me for failure plus my whole life already has. HAHA Ha butnonotthatfunnyreally), I was talking with this friend and it got me wondering what the hell the universe is trying to tell me—or more like what it's trying to slap in my face. 

it was around 11 or 12 in the morning when I was talking to this friend, we weren't close but we occasionally talked, although that mornight was the first time we actually talked that long and that's when we suddenly 'clicked' and became better buddies (I can't explain it well OTL). And later on, i found out that she studies in up.

I mean, I told her I didn't pass the upcat and she said it's okay and we barely made conversation there because I keyboard smashed a lot at that point.

It was just ironic, what a coincidence. I was like high fiving myself because I found a new friend (I'd say we're just acquaintances before that day) and then I end up high five-ing my face. With a metal chair. A rundown, broken, and sharp one. A chair very similar to failure HAHA. It reminded me of the bad news I received earlier and I just felt really bitter.

Back to today as I decided to watch the upcat movie, another acquaintance (she's not from my school) posted that she passed her upcat. And what another coincidence since it's been awhile since the results have been posted, I just suddenly found it when I opened one of my rarely opened groups on facebook.

I don't know. I just want to stop getting bitch slapped by the world with all these signs, congratulating me for not passing. Or maybe, they're not signs anyway. Simple harsh reality, I suppose. 

This is not a "i don't know why I didn't pass UP" "why didn't I pass UP" "why won't UP accept me" "UP will regret not taking me" "i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes--but no" or anything similar to those. It's just another disappointment.

October 07 2012


"#iwishiwasgoodat faking a smile and telling everyone i'm okay"

 I wish the opposite. You have no idea how hard it is too be good at faking smiles and being "okay" because no one sees through it, no one bothers to double check. Well we know that's the point, to produce  a good lie,  but still. Isn't that just depressing? You're glad because, at one point, you don't have to worry about someone worrying about you. But what if they don't worry about you in the first place? Isn't that just sad, you sure you want to be good at that?
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